- LIFE IS ALL About Ass...

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LIFE IS ALL About Ass...
LIFE Is all about Ass:

You're either covering it,

laughing it off,

kicking it,

losing it,

kissing it,

busting it,

trying to lose some of it,

or...

trying to get a piece of it.

- Some Things Are Just NOT MEANT TO BE SEEN

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I Know This Is AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE...

BUTT... Some Things Are Just NOT MEANT TO BE SEEN !!!

SHE'S WAY TOO Old For This Unflattering Look, she's probably NOT the new Daisy Duke ... and she is probably some poor kid's "Grandma" !

What is she Thinkin' ???

- WITTICISMS... (#3)

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WITTICISMS... (group #3)


"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
---Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
---Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
---Richard Jeni

- OUR UNITED STATES of America in 1907

EVERY AMERICAN CITIZEN needs to read this!

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Our United States of America in 1907

The year is 1907, one hundred years ago......
READ PRINT UNDER PICTURE
Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.....


"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith, becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin.


But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American.


There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.


We have room for but one flag, the American flag...

We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...

and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."


--- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907

- BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (#4)

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BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (group #4)

- ANOTHER Blonde Joke

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ANOTHER Blonde Joke


Two blondes living in Maine were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the Moon?'

The other blonde turns to her and says, "HELLOOOOOOOOOooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

- SOLDIERS IN AMAZING Human Formations

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SOLDIERS IN AMAZING Human Formations

During the WW I years, Arthur S. Mole and John D. Thomas made some incredible human pictures by using thousands of sailors or soldiers in uniform to create images.

"The Human Statue Of Liberty" formation photo was taken at Camp Dodge, Iowa and contains 18,000 soldiers !!!

- ONE DOG'S Bedtime Prayer...

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ONE DOG'S Bedtime Prayer...

'Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy’s house and not to Michael Vick's -- AMEN!'


The intensity of the dog's face shows more sincerity than most people!
Ya' gotta' love the face on the dog!

- BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (#3)

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BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (group #3)

- WITTICISMS... (#2)

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WITTICISMS... (group #2)

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice There should be severance pay and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

- THE OLD Gas Station

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THE OLD Gas Station (Author Unknown)
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell -- got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here."

- THE HOTTEST SELLING Bumper Sticker...

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The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:


"RUN HILLARY RUN"


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

- WARNING TO ALL WOMEN!!!

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A WARNING TO ALL WOMEN!!!
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU....... OR YOUR MOTHER OR YOUR SISTER .

The strangest thing happened to me at lunch today.

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone.

I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not at all interested in them.

Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera. I'm sending you this picture as a warning... just in case they try and pick you up too.

Honestly, some men think they are God's gift !
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Then I fell out of bed and... WOKE UP !!!!!!

(It seemed SOooo REAL !)

- "HOME Schooling"...

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"Home Schooling"...

The kids start the day with Mom supervising breakfast.
Then off to school they go.
Everyone has an assigned seat in the classroom. After resting up, they're ready for some fun.
Where's Waldo is their favorite game.
Before you know it, everyone is tired out.
When the kids get home from their busy school day, it's time for a bath.
Then they dry off before bedtime.

Put a smile on your face... And a song in your heart !

- NEVER TAKE A BABY To A Museum

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NEVER TAKE A BABY To A Museum

(HILLARIOUS !!! Especially if you are a Mom !)

- WITTICISMS... (#1)

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WITTICISMS... (group #1)


Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown


"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey


"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong houses."
--Jeff Foxworthy

- BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (group #2)

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BOYS THAT MAKE Their Fathers Proud ! (group #2)

- IT TOUCHES My Heart... Worth 1,000 Words

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Subject: Please Send This On

It touches my heart and brings the reality of our losses home!


As I reflect on this photograph, I see once again that not all the brave leave the "home of the brave" to enter battle; some are required now to be the brave of the home.

It is said a picture is worth a thousand words but it leaves me speechless and tears in my eyes.

Would You Send This Please? We have a long list of good friends whose husbands are deploying to Iraq next month.

One of the wives sent me this. We feel compelled to send it on. Your prayers are deeply appreciated.

These guys deserve our love, our hugs and most powerfully, our prayers.

Prayer Request: I understand that life in Iraq is very difficult to bear right now. Our troops need our prayers for strength, endurance and safety. Send this on after a short prayer; please don't break it:

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen."

When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There's nothing attached; just send this to all in your address book.
Do not let it stop with you, please -- of all the gifts you could give a US Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best!!!

- UNBELIEVABLE SCULPTURES ! (#3)

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UNBELIEVABLE SCULPTURES ! (group #3)


RON Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist.

Born in Melbourne, Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie.

Eventually Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture.

(NOTE*** See my earlier "UNBELIEVABLE SCULPTURES ! (group #1)" for a little more about the artist)

- A JOB APPLICATION To Wal-Mart

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A Job Application To Wal-Mart...


(NOTE: This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.)

NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

- NEVER LET A WOMAN Pack Your Stuff

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WHY YOU NEVER LET A WOMAN PACK YOUR STUFF WHEN MOVING: Duct Tape

These pictures are taken at the I-44 I-40 interchange

- BEST CHRISTMAS Cookie Recipe EVER !

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BEST CHRISTMAS Cookie Recipe EVER !


Christmas Cookie Recipe: (follow directions closely)

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
2 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla


- Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
- Take a large bowl, check the Jose Cuervo again. (To be sure it is of the highest quality... pour one level cup and drink.)
- Turn on the electric mixer...
- Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again.
- At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, (try another cup ... just in case.)
- Turn off the mixerer thingy.
- Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pryit loose with a drewscriver.
(Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.)
- Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
(Check the Jose Cuervo.)
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table.
- Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
- Don't forgetto beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

***** CHERRY MISTMAS ! *****

- WHY WOMEN DON'T Take Men On Vacations...

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Subject: WHY WOMEN DON'T Take Men On Vacations... !

- U.S. REDNECK Special Forces (USRSF)

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U.S. REDNECK Special Forces (USRSF)


The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about the terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK. Ha-Ha-Ha.