BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
("Set" #1)
Friday, November 9, 2007
- BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
*************************************
BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
("Set" #1)
BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
("Set" #1)
- BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
*************************************
BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
(...continued as "Set" #2)
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
BRA CODES... Finally Explained (and well Illustrated)
(...continued as "Set" #2)
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or
Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
- EVERY FRIDAY... A Pentagon Ritual Salute
*************************************
EVERY FRIDAY... A Pentagon Ritual Salute
Friday Mornings at the Pentagon
By JOSEPH L. GALLOWAY
McClatchy Newspapers
Over the last 12 months, 1,042 soldiers, Marines, sailors and Air Force personnel have given their lives in the terrible duty that is war.
Thousands more have come home on stretchers, horribly wounded and facing months or years in military hospitals.
This week, I'm turning my space over to a good friend and former roommate, Army Lt. Col. Robert Bateman, who recently completed a yearlong tour of duty in Iraq and is now back at the Pentagon.
Here's Lt. Col. Bateman's account of a little-known ceremony that fills the halls of the Army corridor of the Pentagon with cheers, applause and many tears every Friday morning.
It first appeared on May 17 on the Weblog of media critic and pundit Eric Alterman at the Media Matters for America Website.
"It is 110 yards from the "E" ring to the "A" ring of the Pentagon. This section of the Pentagon is newly renovated; the floors shine, the hallway is broad, and the lighting is bright.
At this instant the entire length of the corridor is packed with officers, a few sergeants and some civilians, all crammed tightly three and four deep against the walls. There are thousands here.
This hallway, more than any other, is the `Army' hallway. The G3 offices line one side, G2 the other, G8 is around the corner. All Army.
Moderate conversations flow in a low buzz. Friends who may not have seen each other for a few weeks, or a few years, spot each other, cross the way and renew.
Everyone shifts to ensure an open path remains down the center.
The air conditioning system was not designed for this press of bodies in this area. The temperature is rising already. Nobody cares.
"10:36 hours: The clapping starts at the E-Ring. That is the outermost of the five rings of the Pentagon and it is closest to the entrance to the building.
This clapping is low, sustained, hearty. It is applause with a deep emotion behind it as it moves forward in a wave down the length of the hallway. "A steady rolling wave of sound it is, moving at the pace of the soldier in the wheelchair who marks the forward edge with his presence.
He is the first. He is missing the greater part of one leg, and some of his wounds are still suppurating. By his age I expect that he is a private, or perhaps a private first class.
"Captains, majors, lieutenant colonels and colonels meet his gaze and nod as they applaud, soldier to soldier.
Three years ago when I described one of these events, those lining the hallways were somewhat different. The applause a little wilder, perhaps in private guilt for not having shared in the burden ... yet.
"Now almost everyone lining the hallway is, like the man in the wheelchair, also a combat veteran. This steadies the applause, but I think deepens the sentiment. We have all been there now.
The soldier's chair is pushed by, I believe, a full colonel. "Behind him, and stretching the length from Rings E to A, come more of his peers, each private, corporal, or sergeant assisted as need be by a field grade officer.
"11:00 hours: Twenty-four minutes of steady applause. My hands hurt, and I laugh to myself at how stupid that sounds in my own head. My hands hurt. Please! Shut up and clap.
For twenty-four minutes, soldier after soldier has come down this hallway - 20, 25, 30. Fifty-three legs come with them, and perhaps only 52 hands or arms, but down this hall came 30 solid hearts.
They pass down this corridor of officers and applause, and then meet for a private lunch, at which they are the guests of honor, hosted by the generals.
Some are wheeled along. Some insist upon getting out of their chairs, to march as best they can with their chin held up, down this hallway, through this most unique audience.
Some are catching handshakes and smiling like a politician at a Fourth of July parade.
More than a couple of them seem amazed and are smiling shyly.
"There are families with them as well: the 18-year-old war-bride pushing her 19-year-old husband's wheelchair and not quite understanding why her husband is so affected by this, the boy she grew up with, now a man, who had never shed a tear is crying; the older immigrant Latino parents who have, perhaps more than their wounded mid-20s son, an appreciation for the emotion given on their son's behalf.
No man in that hallway, walking or clapping, is ashamed by the silent tears on more than a few cheeks. An Airborne Ranger wipes his eyes only to better see.
A couple of the officers in this crowd have themselves been a part of this parade in the past.
These are our men, broken in body they may be, but they are our brothers, and we welcome them home.
This parade has gone on, every single Friday, all year long, for more than four years."
Did you know that? The media hasn't told the story.
REMEMBER, RESPECT... AND THANK OUR VETERANS !
EVERY FRIDAY... A Pentagon Ritual Salute
Friday Mornings at the Pentagon
By JOSEPH L. GALLOWAY
McClatchy Newspapers
Over the last 12 months, 1,042 soldiers, Marines, sailors and Air Force personnel have given their lives in the terrible duty that is war.
Thousands more have come home on stretchers, horribly wounded and facing months or years in military hospitals.
This week, I'm turning my space over to a good friend and former roommate, Army Lt. Col. Robert Bateman, who recently completed a yearlong tour of duty in Iraq and is now back at the Pentagon.
Here's Lt. Col. Bateman's account of a little-known ceremony that fills the halls of the Army corridor of the Pentagon with cheers, applause and many tears every Friday morning.
It first appeared on May 17 on the Weblog of media critic and pundit Eric Alterman at the Media Matters for America Website.
"It is 110 yards from the "E" ring to the "A" ring of the Pentagon. This section of the Pentagon is newly renovated; the floors shine, the hallway is broad, and the lighting is bright.
At this instant the entire length of the corridor is packed with officers, a few sergeants and some civilians, all crammed tightly three and four deep against the walls. There are thousands here.
This hallway, more than any other, is the `Army' hallway. The G3 offices line one side, G2 the other, G8 is around the corner. All Army.
Moderate conversations flow in a low buzz. Friends who may not have seen each other for a few weeks, or a few years, spot each other, cross the way and renew.
Everyone shifts to ensure an open path remains down the center.
The air conditioning system was not designed for this press of bodies in this area. The temperature is rising already. Nobody cares.
"10:36 hours: The clapping starts at the E-Ring. That is the outermost of the five rings of the Pentagon and it is closest to the entrance to the building.
This clapping is low, sustained, hearty. It is applause with a deep emotion behind it as it moves forward in a wave down the length of the hallway. "A steady rolling wave of sound it is, moving at the pace of the soldier in the wheelchair who marks the forward edge with his presence.
He is the first. He is missing the greater part of one leg, and some of his wounds are still suppurating. By his age I expect that he is a private, or perhaps a private first class.
"Captains, majors, lieutenant colonels and colonels meet his gaze and nod as they applaud, soldier to soldier.
Three years ago when I described one of these events, those lining the hallways were somewhat different. The applause a little wilder, perhaps in private guilt for not having shared in the burden ... yet.
"Now almost everyone lining the hallway is, like the man in the wheelchair, also a combat veteran. This steadies the applause, but I think deepens the sentiment. We have all been there now.
The soldier's chair is pushed by, I believe, a full colonel. "Behind him, and stretching the length from Rings E to A, come more of his peers, each private, corporal, or sergeant assisted as need be by a field grade officer.
"11:00 hours: Twenty-four minutes of steady applause. My hands hurt, and I laugh to myself at how stupid that sounds in my own head. My hands hurt. Please! Shut up and clap.
For twenty-four minutes, soldier after soldier has come down this hallway - 20, 25, 30. Fifty-three legs come with them, and perhaps only 52 hands or arms, but down this hall came 30 solid hearts.
They pass down this corridor of officers and applause, and then meet for a private lunch, at which they are the guests of honor, hosted by the generals.
Some are wheeled along. Some insist upon getting out of their chairs, to march as best they can with their chin held up, down this hallway, through this most unique audience.
Some are catching handshakes and smiling like a politician at a Fourth of July parade.
More than a couple of them seem amazed and are smiling shyly.
"There are families with them as well: the 18-year-old war-bride pushing her 19-year-old husband's wheelchair and not quite understanding why her husband is so affected by this, the boy she grew up with, now a man, who had never shed a tear is crying; the older immigrant Latino parents who have, perhaps more than their wounded mid-20s son, an appreciation for the emotion given on their son's behalf.
No man in that hallway, walking or clapping, is ashamed by the silent tears on more than a few cheeks. An Airborne Ranger wipes his eyes only to better see.
A couple of the officers in this crowd have themselves been a part of this parade in the past.
These are our men, broken in body they may be, but they are our brothers, and we welcome them home.
This parade has gone on, every single Friday, all year long, for more than four years."
Did you know that? The media hasn't told the story.
REMEMBER, RESPECT... AND THANK OUR VETERANS !
Thursday, November 8, 2007
- A SLIGHT Fender-Bender ?
*************************************
A SLIGHT Fender-Bender ?
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again, waiting in Arkansas.
Your loving wife.XXX
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*
(...BE SURE TO SCROLL DOWN PAST THE PICTURE)
P.S.: Your girlfriend called.
A SLIGHT Fender-Bender ?
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again, waiting in Arkansas.
Your loving wife.XXX
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*
*
(...BE SURE TO SCROLL DOWN PAST THE PICTURE)
P.S.: Your girlfriend called.- HAVING A Bad Day Today ?
*************************************
Subject: A BAD DAY....
FOR ALL, WHO MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY...
Subject: A BAD DAY....
FOR ALL, WHO MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY...
.....LOOK... IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE !
- LOOK WHAT I Caught Offshore Fishing !!!
*************************************
Look What I Caught Offshore Fishing !!!
Look What I Caught Offshore Fishing !!!
I Would never have believed the story, but I heard it from the horse's mouth today.
This was taken on a recent fishing trip in the Gulf - they were 5 miles out, (Where is Bloody Point?????).
Where the deer was coming from was about 5 miles back, and where he was going to... he said you could barely make out that it was land.
They pulled the deer in the boat and he was so tired, he didn't move.
WOW !
- A NEW Sex Study...
*************************************
A New Sex Study...
A New Sex Study...
It has been determined,
the most used sexual position
for married couples is the "doggie" position.
*
*
*
*
*
The husband sits up and begs...
*
The wife rolls over and plays dead!
- HERE SHE IS..... the USS New York !
*************************************
Subject: Here SHE is..... the USS New York
Subject: Here SHE is..... the USS New York
The USS New York.
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center .
It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists.
It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft.
Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite , LA to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept. 9, 2003 , "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence," recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a spiritual moment for everybody there."
Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck stood up."
"It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."
The ship's motto? "Never Forget"
Please keep this going so everyone can see what we are made of in this country!
- SUBJECT: New Texas Priest
*************************************
Subject: New Texas Priest
The new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions and give any advice.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand''.
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, ... "Now, don't you think that's a better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"
Subject: New Texas Priest
The new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions and give any advice.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand''.
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, ... "Now, don't you think that's a better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"
- OLD DRUNK vs. Mean Biker Dude
*************************************
OLD DRUNK vs. Mean Biker Dude
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman !"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........
"Grandpa.....Go home, you're drunk."
OLD DRUNK vs. Mean Biker Dude
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman !"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........
"Grandpa.....Go home, you're drunk."
- A 245 POUNDER !!! An Alligator Gar Record
*************************************
Subject: Fishing in Lake Maurepas (Alligator Gar)
This fish was 8'2" long and weighed around 245 lbs!!!
We grow 'em big here in Lake Maurepas. (Louisiana)
This thing is HUGE!!!!
Subject: Fishing in Lake Maurepas (Alligator Gar)
This fish was 8'2" long and weighed around 245 lbs!!!We grow 'em big here in Lake Maurepas. (Louisiana)
This thing is HUGE!!!!
The weather is nice folks - anyone want to go swimming or water skiing?
If so, ... just DON'T go skiiing or swimming in Lake Maurepas.
This was caught at the mouth of the Blind River in Lake Maurepas a few weeks ago.
It is a pending Lake Record and BAA World Record Alligator Garfish.
- LIFE is set up wrong
*************************************
Life is set up wrong...
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then...
-
-
-
-
...you finish off as an orgasm! Now that's the way to live and Go!
Life is set up wrong...
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then...
-
-
-
-
...you finish off as an orgasm! Now that's the way to live and Go!
- AM I Really Getting Old ?
*************************************
AM I Really Getting Old ?
--- "Faith" sees the invisible... feels the intangible... and achieves the impossible."
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old.
I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!? I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon.
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (If I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART, FOREVER AND EVER!
FRIENDS FOREVER!
AM I Really Getting Old ?
--- "Faith" sees the invisible... feels the intangible... and achieves the impossible."
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old.
I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!? I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon.
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (If I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART, FOREVER AND EVER!
FRIENDS FOREVER!
- THE DEVIL Made Him Do It
The Devil Made Him Do It...
*************************************
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to
the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in Hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long.'
The Devil led him to the door of the next room . In it was Al Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The Devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man,
I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said . . .
(This is priceless.)
'OK, Monica your free to go now.'
*************************************
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to
the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in Hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long.'
The Devil led him to the door of the next room . In it was Al Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The Devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man,
I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said . . .
(This is priceless.)
'OK, Monica your free to go now.'
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
- CLEAN JOKES for slightly twisted minds! (#3)
*************************************
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #3)
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #3)
- BEST College Party Halloween Costume
*************************************
Gotta Be The BEST College Party Halloween Costume:
After surviving Hurricane Katrina's floods... "The Happy Looter !!!"
Gotta Be The BEST College Party Halloween Costume:
After surviving Hurricane Katrina's floods... "The Happy Looter !!!"
- VICK'S VAPORUB... It's Worth A Try !
*************************************
VICK'S VAPORUB... It's Worth A Try !
Amazing!!!
I wish I'd known this when my family was young during winter colds and coughs. I am going to try it myself. Definitely share this very helpful tip with young parents.
Isn't life strange... When we had a lecture on Essential Oils, they told us how the foot soles can absorb oils. Their example: Put garlic on your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.
Some of us have used Vicks Vaporub for years for everything from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between. But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100% of the time although the scientists at the Canada Research council (who discovered it) aren't sure why.
To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), rub Vick's Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief.
Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines.
In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly.
I heard the head of the Canada Research Council describe these findings on the part of their scientists when they were investigating the effectiveness and usage of prescription cough medicines in children as compared to alternative therapies like acupressure.
Just happened to tune in AM. Radio and picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs so, I listened.
It was a surprise finding and was found to be more effective than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect on sick children who then went on to sleep soundly.
My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%! She said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her, coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a deep, (incredibly annoying!) every few seconds, uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for hours every night that she used it.
If you have grandchildren, pass this remedy on.
If you end up sick, try it yourself and you will be absolutely amazed by the effect!
VICK'S VAPORUB... It's Worth A Try !
Amazing!!!
I wish I'd known this when my family was young during winter colds and coughs. I am going to try it myself. Definitely share this very helpful tip with young parents.
Isn't life strange... When we had a lecture on Essential Oils, they told us how the foot soles can absorb oils. Their example: Put garlic on your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.
Some of us have used Vicks Vaporub for years for everything from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between. But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100% of the time although the scientists at the Canada Research council (who discovered it) aren't sure why.
To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), rub Vick's Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief.
Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines.
In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly.
I heard the head of the Canada Research Council describe these findings on the part of their scientists when they were investigating the effectiveness and usage of prescription cough medicines in children as compared to alternative therapies like acupressure.
Just happened to tune in AM. Radio and picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs so, I listened.
It was a surprise finding and was found to be more effective than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect on sick children who then went on to sleep soundly.
My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%! She said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her, coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a deep, (incredibly annoying!) every few seconds, uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for hours every night that she used it.
If you have grandchildren, pass this remedy on.
If you end up sick, try it yourself and you will be absolutely amazed by the effect!
- PATRIOTISM... You could've heard a pin drop!
*************************************
PATRIOTISM... Tough But True
* When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
=====================================
* Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
Once again, dead silence.
=====================================
* A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English." He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop!
PATRIOTISM... Tough But True
* When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
It became very quiet in the room.
=====================================
* Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
Once again, dead silence.
=====================================
* A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English." He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
- Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (#2)
*************************************
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #2)
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #2)
- TWO Slightly Religious Jokes...
*************************************
Bats In The Belfry:
Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
*******************************************
Do You Know How To Pray?
As the storm raged, the Captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the Captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets-we're one short."
Bats In The Belfry:
Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
*******************************************
Do You Know How To Pray?
As the storm raged, the Captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the Captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets-we're one short."
- YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF...
*************************************
YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF...
- You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
- You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
- You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
- You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.
- You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)
- You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
- You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
- You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair.
- People sometimes thought you were a boy.
- Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
- You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
- You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
- You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.
- You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
- The swing set tipped over at least once.
- You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
- You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with a hard sole & the buckle).
- You also had a pair of salt-water sandals.
- You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; so you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
- You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.
- Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
- You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Apple Dumpling and Huckleberry Pie.
- You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.
- You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend.
- Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
- YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
- It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV.
- Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags for sleepovers!
- You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry... Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"
- You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.
- You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
- You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
- You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.
- You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. ( a Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.)
- You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)
- You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
- You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
- You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
- You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
- You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
- You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album!
YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF...
- You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
- You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
- You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
- You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.
- You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)
- You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
- You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
- You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair.
- People sometimes thought you were a boy.
- Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
- You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
- You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
- You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.
- You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
- The swing set tipped over at least once.
- You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
- You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with a hard sole & the buckle).
- You also had a pair of salt-water sandals.
- You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; so you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
- You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.
- Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
- You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Apple Dumpling and Huckleberry Pie.
- You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.
- You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend.
- Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
- YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
- It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV.
- Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags for sleepovers!
- You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry... Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"
- You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.
- You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
- You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
- You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.
- You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. ( a Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.)
- You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)
- You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
- You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
- You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
- You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
- You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
- You spent all your allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album!
- A Blonde in Starbucks....
*************************************
A Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
So she proudly hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads it...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ! I PROMISE !)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
...the "peel and win" sticker says: "W I N A B A G E L"
A Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
So she proudly hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads it...
*
*
*
*
*
**
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ! I PROMISE !)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
...the "peel and win" sticker says: "W I N A B A G E L"
Monday, November 5, 2007
- Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (#1)
*************************************
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #1)
Clean jokes for slightly twisted minds! (group #1)
- Lorena Bobbitt's Sister...
*************************************
Lorena Bobbitt's Sister...
Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition... so, Louella has now been charged with .... (scroll down)
...a "Misdewiener" !
(OH... don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.)
Lorena Bobbitt's Sister...
Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition... so, Louella has now been charged with .... (scroll down)
...a "Misdewiener" !
(OH... don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.)
- Brand New Modern Word Definitions:
*************************************
Brand New Modern Word Definitions:
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
...and finally...
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Brand New Modern Word Definitions:
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
...and finally...
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
- One Cartoon That Says It All
*************************************
Once in awhile, a cartoon comes around that absolutely hits the nail on the head.
Once in awhile, a cartoon comes around that absolutely hits the nail on the head.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
- 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
*************************************
I'm sure you have read these before but it is fun to read them again.
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
I'm sure you have read these before but it is fun to read them again.
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
- TIPS ON PUMPING GASOLINE
*************************************
Subject: TIPS ON PUMPING GASOLINE
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....
But here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon.
My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now... so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
(At the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades.
We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.)
TIPS:
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold.
Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your gallon is not exactly a gallon.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role.
A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.
If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high.
In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping.
All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.
If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor.
Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY.
The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.
Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine.
Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
Subject: TIPS ON PUMPING GASOLINE
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....
But here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon.
My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now... so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
(At the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades.
We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.)
TIPS:
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold.
Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your gallon is not exactly a gallon.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role.
A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.
If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high.
In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping.
All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.
If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor.
Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY.
The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.
Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine.
Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
- SUBJECT: Beer, Fishing, Golf, and Sex
*************************************
Subject: Beer, Fishing, Golf, and Sex
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Subject: Beer, Fishing, Golf, and Sex
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
- A SMOKERS' LOUNGE
*************************************
Subject: Smoker's Lounge
Subject: Smoker's Lounge
THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.
- Retired Husband Banned At WAL-MART
*************************************
RETIRED HUSBAND BANNED AT WAL-MART
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past 6 months, your retired husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Regretfully Yours,
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department.
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton- complaints-15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3" in housewares and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept. 14: Moved a ' Caution - wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping dept. and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding dept.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone.
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting dept., asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dec. 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto dept, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people broused thru yelled "pick me" Pick me!.
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! No! Its those voices again.
(And last, but not least!)
15. Dec. 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
RETIRED HUSBAND BANNED AT WAL-MART
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past 6 months, your retired husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Regretfully Yours,
Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department.
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton- complaints-15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3" in housewares and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept. 14: Moved a ' Caution - wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping dept. and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding dept.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone.
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting dept., asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dec. 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto dept, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people broused thru yelled "pick me" Pick me!.
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! No! Its those voices again.
(And last, but not least!)
15. Dec. 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
- FOR OUR GIRLFRIENDS...
*************************************
(Hey ladies, this is great. Put it on your mirror so it is the first thing you see in the morning.)
FOR OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive better cars.
Their children will do better in school.
Their husbands will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman at your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you. Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--Losers let things happen."
Be "blessed" ladies..... and pass this on to encourage other women.
"To the world you might be one person, but to the one person you give this to, it could mean so much."!
GIVE THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN...I JUST DID! "
Angels DO Exist. But, sometimes, they don't have wings... We just call them Friends!"
(Hey ladies, this is great. Put it on your mirror so it is the first thing you see in the morning.)
FOR OUR GIRLFRIENDS.........
Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive better cars.
Their children will do better in school.
Their husbands will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman at your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you. Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen--Losers let things happen."
Be "blessed" ladies..... and pass this on to encourage other women.
"To the world you might be one person, but to the one person you give this to, it could mean so much."!
GIVE THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN...I JUST DID! "
Angels DO Exist. But, sometimes, they don't have wings... We just call them Friends!"
- WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY...
*************************************
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.
So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed.
When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise! those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
NOW, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.....
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.
So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed.
When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise! those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
NOW, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.....
- CUSTOMS INSPECTION
*************************************
Customs Inspection...
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
Customs Inspection...
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
- "SQUARE" Watermelons? It's For Real !!!
*************************************
Subject: Square Watermelons
Interesting, practical and true. This has been checked on Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/odd/watermelon.asp
Square Watermelons...
A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigerater and the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves.
Smart Japanese Farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine.
Pretty darn CLEVER !
Subject: Square Watermelons
Interesting, practical and true. This has been checked on Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/odd/watermelon.asp
Square Watermelons...
A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigerater and the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves.
Smart Japanese Farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine.
Pretty darn CLEVER !- THE WHALE... A True Story
*************************************
This is reported to be true.
If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle... you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso... a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help.
Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her?
One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them.
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
I pass this on to you, my friend, in the same spirit.
This is reported to be true.
If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle... you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso... a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help.
Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her?
One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them.
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
I pass this on to you, my friend, in the same spirit.
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